BJJ Confidential - hand dryers are badly placed

“What do you mean he blew it all over the bathroom?”

The tour started while I was away with my gym was “in good hands.” The next thing I hear is that the wonderful guys and girls have had a party at the gym, rolling around drunk and leaving cans and a strong smell of smoke permeating the illusion of a health space.

I oscillate between trying to keep my business professional, but unfortunately my tendency to treat it like a friend is permeated in the culture of how I run it. I can’t help it, at some point we might get big enough to run it like a well oiled machine that prints cash and I can go and live on a beach for half the year.

So when I heard that they were having fun without me to hide the mess and regain my illusion of control I was pissed, we had this famous BJJ guy down and everyone was having fun while I was in the tranquil Bavarian mountains teaching and drinking one, two… Weiss beers while stuffing myself with more sausage than anyone can have in a year.

We have only ever had great characters down to train, I’ve never been a fan of seminars as you learn ten techniques that you record and go over them never really use, for me a great character trumps a dull guy who doesn’t come with stories and lives like a monk.

I was back in London and our own seminar was coming up with this guy, let’s call him John. He was a wiry American who loved to smoke weed and came to Europe (the UK) and let go a little. He was used to being known in BJJ circles and I don’t think he was ready to come to us and have not one student know who he was, our students are a different breed for sure, we train hard, have fun but aren’t BJJ fanatics following and keeping track of all the stars.

He taught some classes when he was back in Chiswick and we got to hang out, he had found the biggest bong he could find and carried it with him wherever he went. He is a great guy and character and we really got to know him.

He was staying in a room near the gym and we went with him one night after training and joined him for a chat and a smoke, he had left his bong in his room for a change as the gym was round the corner, so we went to get it. His room was small and he’d already made it his own, it was strewn with paraphernalia bags of powders (some protein) and other stuff, and on the bed where rolls and rolls of cash from all the seminars. It reminded me of a teenagers bedroom just without the posters.

We went outside and chatted about the earth being flat and “scientism” we couldn’t have been further apart in opinions but the thread of a connection that BJJ gives is unbreakable and deep down we are all the same. I have been lucky to avoid the seedier characters and enjoy the people who test the boundaries of reality and sanity as I’m sure this is a reflection of my own psyche even though I had believed l’m more normal than I am.

The night of our seminar arrived, we planned a big night and John bought a lot of little bags to get the night started, he put them all in one bag and brought his bong along.

He came and taught some crazy moves, some we still use and others we can’t even physically do, having him for a few extra classes meant we got a lot out of it, and he had a fondness for the gym so he really helped everyone out.

It was time for the party, we booked our favourite pub as it’s a little more understanding of our antics and we set off to start the night, we started with shots, beer and going out for a smoke. We had basically taken over the whole pub.

The party was well underway and we were dancing, singing and drinking. 10 minutes later someone comes up to me and goes “it’s all over the bathroom!”

“What is?” I said, as I made a beeline for the toilet, it was a dark winter night in November as I opened the door to a Christmas scene one month early. The whole bathroom was coated in snow and John had it all over his head and body (he had a tendency to take his shirt off). He had blow it all over the bathroom under the hand dryer! We cleared the bathroom and left a long time later.

The landlord walked over to me and in his Irish accent started explaining to me how we shouldn’t be doing that, my head dropped with memories of being told off at school and I mumbled something about I know and some other excuses I could think of, he was ok (we do love this pub) and since it was all over the bathroom it wasn’t going to happen again anyway.

The party continued until the pub closed and we went back to the gym to continue. One of the students with an “eclectic” music taste took over DJing duties and we were treated to Radiohead followed by darker and darker music which was usually what happened when this student got more inebriated. We were standing behind the desk with John and he turned to me and went “look” I looked down and he had pulled down his trousers and was showing me his penis. After everything that had already happened that night I just nodded my head and said “cool” it didn’t seem weird at this point. We chatted we laughed and I saw his penis at least twice more that night.

The party went into the early hours and we chatted about the earth not being flat and being flat, the theories of scientism and how that is a belief or not and laughed and rolled (badly) drunk.

John was staying another two days and said he would come back to train and teach, the next day though he had run on the first plane back. Seems he couldn’t take one of our parties. Great memories were made at another great night in our little club.